I want to be this age, and never age. :
I want to be this age, and never age. :
I'm dancing here.
You are viewing the most recent 25 entries.
16th May 2016
I want to be this age, and never age. :
31st January 2016
this is going to hurt me a lot more than it will hurt you
(I) cannot remember if I've ever before had to break up with someone I was probably in-love with. :
it's not easy
30th January 2016
This Week, After Silence
silence is one thing, nothing is something. :
(words for later)
1st January 2016
(mayhaps(?)[sure enough, surely] we make ourselves sick -mentally as terrible physically just-the-same as challenges so that us, our progeny 'nd creations will be improved because of this martyrly sacrifice. :
however!WE DON'T LIVE THAT LONG, we should never martyr ourselves for we do not know, in this conscious paradigm, and this body at least, If we will continue to remain as we are able in the current ways which might bring us joyss were we to continue building-up our selves. We should try to live forever as we are while also simultaneously continuing to feel the same way about not existing corporally with this consciousness we might 'possess' at this very moment.
23rd December 2015
I just had to make one of the most difficult D-cisions of my life. As usual, it was made with the be(a)st of intentions, but I have no idea if it will turn out that (best) way.. If anything, the only outcome I might ever see from it would be the most improbable --nothing I can afford to even hope for. This is new for me, //to risk sacrifice by giving up on something so soon. There is just not enough of me to go around anymore. so very not used to feeling this way in circumstances such as these. Normally I wouldn't even be here. :
not that I've ever been normal
22nd December 2015
straight words, :
what is left?
20th December 2015
I can hear some wind outside, just barely, for just a few minutes if it comes at this time of midnight and ___ isn't here. oh no, furnace came on with a bang now, can't hear anything else. :
so, for a couple of minutes I could hear the outside peace, and it was nice. thoughts just clear up so..
we need more of that. I need more of this -well, being able to hear the humanless outside, while inside. also with no constant noise-machine: I literally did not know until I was maybe 14 years old that the groaning I grew up with was ___ --when I put 2+2 together that the house AND the ship could not have the same starts, groans & creaks throughout all nights of the year whenever I was in either. It was just ___. When I figured that out, It felt like then, as it does to this day, that I lost many years of productive clear thinking +/sleeping due to the horror of snore. it's not just a regular groaning snorting snore of monotony, it's a crying begging whining "everyone come help me I'm dyinggggg, and neeed your attentionnnn!!" snore.
31st October 2015
xx is just a good enough artist that these other womyn may tend to not see him for what he truly is; their judgment might be muddled a bit, thinking he is their path to success, wholeness.. he is not. just like you say with your ___, you are realising that you must yes love yourself more now to be valuable. but don't worry about THAT as a literal 100% thing. human people find self love in others appreciation of their own existence+interactions as well. Yes when we are lost, because someone is unwilling to be what only they are able to be for us, we realise that what was missing was not them but our self. our love for our identity and motivation to excel. but really (a part of) the cure for many of our ailings does come in the form of an other(s). -even if it's cats. you've written a few times about this. this need to love yourself "first". While it is true entirely, we also know an other truth is that what we often crave is to feel the love of another, the appreciation, the watching caring recording reflecting rebounding retouching of another. my motivation doesn't come from within me. I live for me, yes, but my creations I do not create for me nor a mystical entity.. I create usually for a purpose, and if that purpose comes in a certain female form, I'm okay with this. I learned a lot today, and recorded plenty too.. and .. I think I'm laying on a blueberry field, looking up at the stars, all alone right now. or well, you and whomever else might be bounding around the hills, playing with fireflies and the like. all's cool :
24th October 2015
oh random thought:
as I tend to not be a Linear Beast, my responses can be sporadic, suffering also from a lack of visual non-verbal cues while online. you posted an *tracks playlist recently, I played it while waking up/morning for two days. I dreamt that all of the songs were 'of course` on my playlist as well- they /are\ IRL, with the exception of ******- normally I only hear her when I am in a deep sleep. I haven't listened in to more than what I've seen of her. When I saw her for the first time it was like "oh this is familiar, clearly I know this person well, and have for a long, much longer than this life's time" --which is a rare (not completely uncommon) thing for me to feel, let alone think. Similar to how I do you. Very similar. Having said that, do you have an opinion on whether we are seeing '***** as a character in our dreams, thought explorations, of what feels as if it is the past, or is she only a real world being :
cut-out to shorten a PM
I don't always say what must be said when it best should have been said. There are so many thoughts in my head, I have to pick out which to say, there is no space/time for all of it, Yet I tend to talk about ways that things 'should' be- in a perfect world I believe we should (there it is again) aspire to create, live. I've written lots to you, thinking in my head how you would receive it, process, perhaps reply, but knowing that all-the-while you have no obligation() to, nor to keep-up. -not that you can't, or that anything is moving past you!, I just can be a lot to take in all at once when given an outlet. :
totes. you need your sleep-until-rested-and-wake-naturally. without it sucks. By habit, and random-society avoidance, I would become entirely nocturnal. instead I make myself be awake for much of the day.. but I don't get as much done as I should. I'm in gimp-mode, tho picking up speed, I think.. it's hard to tell while in kdjfposnhfh, because I've never had a real plan while here other than leaving here. I've been telling myself for a long time, and ok telling others too- which is why I made myself tell you, that I think it's easy to go crazy here _because_ I need to keep hearing myself say it to better remain self-aware. ..and avoid becoming actually wackadoodle. I should probably build a portable house of my own invention, or see if I can fit everything that I think I need in life into a trailer. The problem is that a large part of what I need is access to the other things I need, from where I am. Just one space, large enough, warm enough, private enough, sunlit enough, LED-lit enough, starry sky accessible enough, clean air, quiet enough. Enough is enough. Oh, and then there is baggage, but I have gloriously good baggages- this means I need a larger room with enough space for small biosystems, to live examine communicate photograph learn from and with small creatures & plants -which grow of curse, they grow. I used to be comfortable living almost just on the road, stopping everywhere, exploring, sometimes living for awhile in apartments.. I guess that's life. But I wasn't creating so much while moving. I drew, played guitar, photo'd..and I still have much of my photography, of many lifetimes. Life continues again and again however. I think I'm forcing my brain to reconnect with my past as if it's linear. Normally, I'm reinventing my self with every day. I need beauty in my life. Going bonkers here :
23rd October 2015
if you won't take care of it while it's alive, why won't you just let it moosh before birth?
unedited off-the-fly mid-nuit note to a birther (who) posted a pic of a fetus saying that it should end all debates about whether abortion is murder. :
I haven't re-read it.
saw your post re: abortions. Mr, you need to shift your thinking a bit.. I won't waste time on this for very long, but just because some flesh is being grown in the form to appear as if it is one of us does not mean there is a life inside of it. It is being constructed, built, "grown" yes, However it does not make itself. There is no identity, no experience, no ability. It is a growth from a person, within a person. It is not a person. There will never be a just argument to illegalise all abortion. The "grey area", if there is to be any argument, is limited to at what point do we consider the continued growth to be granted rights within our society as an entity of its self. The reason we, "the left" allow there to be any argument at all, is because of this grey area. We are open to considering that yes, if the growth might survive on its own, were it not being produced within a womb, and there is a world outside to care for it as-needed, then maybe we 'allow' there to be some "laws" if you on the right so insist it to be written down as such, of a specific abortion term, timeframe limit. In reality, a newborn baby human is no more than a baby bird in a nest. As a species, our babies even after full gestation, birth at 9 months, aren't capable of possessing any inherent value -unless say, as food for a predator or insect, funghi etcetera. So, to say that there even is an argument over whether abortions should be legal is an utter joke. A punch in the face of reality. We might grant you, that because of our society, and how yes really good we have it, we could provide for everyone else's unwanted oopsie-babies born, that maybe if _at least_ the growth, were it removed after say eight months, it might be allowed to be nurtured, babied, thus it could grow and become an individual, have a chance. But everything else is off the table. Any earlier, it is only an unconscious, devoid of thinking, unaware, mushy growth -it'll kick, sure, move around in a belly, yes sir, like a frog's leg will after death when prodded, or a roach elbow that's been sitting for weeks twitching. It's not even equivalent to those things, because it hasn't yet had life, so it cannot possibly be a life.
Go get a Lobster, for supper, look into the eyes of it, reach out towards it and watch it react. Then steam it, open it and begin dissecting. Flip back the carapace, the body, go find the brain sack, just behind the eyes. There's a little bag, full of water, with some jumbles of string -those are nerves. It sees you, it reacts by preprogrammed instinct -instincts of which we are born with very, very few. It survives throughout its life with the same instincts woven into the patterns which make up Lobster. It has nowhere to store family memories, experiences don't teach it much -other than some of the nerves may be linked to other nerves based on certain patterns recognised by signals the Lobster's senses trigger. Precisely because we are so different from a creature "born" from birth so advanced, with nearly all of its instincts intact, that you must understand how a fetus is a fetus. It has no instincts. It knows, barely, to cough out fluids upon exposure to a new atmosphere, after 9 months, then inhale -these are still only nerves, muscles, organs being triggered by signals from the senses. Now it has made the most major transition it might ever, and it is "alive". Worthless, helpless, but by some happenstance occurrence, perhaps there is a person it came out of, some One, to begin interacting with it. Like rubber bands, its nerves react to all of the signalled senses, as it develops those nerve endings into a mushy organ we call the brain.. suddenly there are records being kept, for the future It to react on, learn from, And on it learns -hopefully. Let us correct this preconceived misconception that conception is life. Life is not so much the miracle, what We do while we Live is.
19th October 2015
the illogical lovesong
I wrote the best lyrics of my life :
not necessarily intended to be lyrics, they became lyrical
and rhymed even, some, a bit.
It was intense, the perfection of these words flowing
I thought it would change my life
and internal revolution
then this browser I had switched to last week bugged -Firefox (normally secondary)
I sent the report to developers, only even taking the time specifically because I was calm/confident in LJ's automatic draft-saving -which I had been noting, ensuring it was refreshing so my words were safe, and so I thought it felt good at that moment all of this error-checking, automatic securing of our important current status was working out, we would never lose anything. Then I came back, restored draft -empty text. Nothing. Now, in Opera, up to 12, and all the way up to whatever v4*.* editions we're at, when reopened from a crash will not only save our current state, but even if a tab automatically refreshed to a login screen on a secure site, per the site's request, basically always if we are on a private secure-enough station, our text would be refilled -by the browser itself. That extra security I would not expect from FF, but at least I had expectations LJ safely saved my drafts -as it then later continued to offer me repeatedly any time I would close the tab. Even tried going back to other browsers, same thing. I'm not sure if LJ's auto-drafting suffers an interoperability issue with FF. Add on the fact that FF crashed in the first place. And also now that I am on my up-until-recently primary browser of Opera due to an extremely fatal flaw in FF which would cause a reboot necessary for even most advanced users or admins, I think it's safe to say that these glitches, few as they are, are oogie enough to cast doubt upon my switching to FF. I'm just fed up of Opera, since abandoning 12, they've lost nearly all of the righteous & dynamic elegance previously graced to our demands for efficiency -after thorough customisations, of course. FF has few custom options, comparatively, to satiate my thirst for most-powerful-using still, but at least by default it was manageable enough. Reliable? no.
The fact remains: I lost that text which, whether worthy of public viewing or not, was what I considered my motivational masterpiece number one. The feeling disappeared with the words. I know they are within my brain, I see the shape of them interconnected, but they were coming from an area I normally have no control over. The words were my link for maintaining that region as useable. I could tell the general yada-yada gyst of where/what I had written then, yet the momentum, the tone, the rhythm was a key to me. To the part of me I knew, and know, that I've needed to connect my want to do things with an ability to -and to connect my past experiences with my present, simultaneously. When it comes to my own self, I suffer greatly from an inability to choose actions in the present, or near-present, based on my wisdom gleaned from past exposure to learning events. This is why I normally write down all of my inventions, ideas, and often thoughts, for I have no guarantee that the logic nor epiphany (lesser extent) will remain part of my toolset in dealing with my own life. For others, yes, I can access my history-entire, to a large degree, on the spot. Or soon after. With that historical data, joined-in with an analytical, sometimes empathical even processing, solutions are able to be deduced for most any conundrum. Serious, artistic, whimsical or on-the-spot as-needed emergency steps to be taken can all be had. Not for myself. And I had it, I believe that I had it, a (first) manifesto of my self. part love song, part logical story, part epitaph for the past -all educational, idiomic, rhythmic, clearly obvious and yet still ambiguous enough with many more applicable meanings --which is partly how I saw it being constructed as the intricate key necessary to hold open my brainmeats so as for me to benefit from them during this lifetime.
It's possible, somewhere on a server somewhere else, there are a few stray ones and zeroes where my precious auto-drafted text was digitised. just residing there, meaningless to anyone or anything else other than somewhat-virtual space, meta-matter, a love song that would unlock my life
15th October 2015
best entry ever
29th September 2015
getting off topic fast
plants (I'm going to say here "plants") do not have feelings. They actually do have what we'd call a nervous system, but it can be dynamic, perhaps not as 'central' as ours -which is my point. Plants have an imperative to grow, reproduce, evolve; And they can do-so in a split-second. We fauna are little blips on the evolutionary timeline to flora. They have a nervous system like us, which allows sensing of surroundings, react to conditions, move, evolve to excel, but they have no need to feel pain (at least), it wouldn't be logical. Instead they are affected and alter their situation based on what their genes deem are required to survive. there is no great difference between plants and aminals, especially such as shellfish like lobster, or spiders,, they are all aware that they exist, but they aren't a person, they have no /feel/ings other than what is learned at a, yes, non-centralised cellular level. They learn from causal reaction, what works and what does not. Like a flame reaching up as far as it can; thankfully though they are a different type of fire, slower burning, using the fuels available to grow and evolve, rather than exhausting their resources, flickering out.. no insult to flames here, fire energy is also converted to other elements, but it has no feelings. fire is just what it is, an element between two elements. Warmth, heat is the original energy. .. but I digress :
5th August 2015
I cry sometimes :
it's been years now
I cry for the years
words can be a spell slipping off my mind to meaning
tears of love
and self liking
somewhere at my core this I find humor of
I am here where I am
by my own two feet
which I am lucky to have
two more feet
I once had
thought were mine if I didn't feel nor show
those feet are cool
and I am warm for them
lucky that they are
while they have more
I have just mine
if I have anything at all
to stand upon
I am happy
that I have my eyes intact
lids to coax the heart to fall down my cheeks
large as they are
lucky to have them
scarred as they are
for tears must have a dropping place
ensnare my love don't let it drip away
couldbe that is why
my top has moved from scalp to face
to catch all drops of life
falling down my face
keep me whole
recycle with that energy
now shes seen the light of day
come return home
our body is of one
I need your side of me
I need me in me
I need me in Me right now
3rd August 2015
we were kind of roommates temporarily. bit of cautiousness between us. she returned to our place, maybe almost a hotel room being used as a longer-term during a conference-assembly or schoolish affair. so she returned as I was leaving the shower. I was wet and half dressed with silky loose moderately flaring boxer shorts black. she was fresh, as if almost out of shower, but dry as well (just salty). we sort-of came close as we would normally have as awkward but knowing-close people/friends/acquaintance/roomies. and we actually embraced. not entirely awkwardly etiher, just we did it, and kissed, and it was natural but not tremendously passionate. more of an opening the door; now we know where we might go with us. from now on, we'll be a couple in life rather than just connected souls.I.think. We hadn't been an issue before, now we just exited and entered the same doorway to eachother and OK. we'll just do this. pretty cool. we fit together at that embrace, despite the height difference, she and I fit together as two slight-different shaped esses flexed to form one with the other. It was hot. knowing, accepting, knowing there was now an us and each of us would have less to question about our self. rather now we may live . the lives without question. now we are living :
10th May 2015
dizzy discourse-response re: birthing-abstinent future
I do not want kids. Or, at least, it's not a goal of mine. Perhaps in twenty years if the world is doing better, but otherwise non. :
Ok... Well thank u for ur time... Not really a point in sending pix.. But i wish u luck on ur quest.
you too, and if you have children, make sure to prepare them for society, while also doing your best to prepare society, the world, for the future!
Children are made for the future... And they will never fail cause they have nothing to compare it to.. Ur given up on them... Not the other way around!
that. is a fine way of looking at it. I won't argue against there being a 'nature', a suggestion that we should just simply continue to make kidlings who will build things better... but what-if?!. What if we just did not continue as we are doing? Let US, and our consciousness, live beautifully, enjoy life, then pass away. There are billions of children in the world, we don't need to make more. You could adopt, foster, teach, tutor, caretake, nanny, neighbour or simply do what some of the older regions do and grow older gracefullly, enjoy life until the end, choosing some younger person(s) to share your stories with and gift them your possessions. It's just.. and I agree here, humans are so unique that we are like the monkeys who fell out of the tree, hit our heads.. We are corrupted, but advanced, in ways, different from all other species. We should USE this advancement, this consciousness and self-awareness to make decisions for to improve everything we know. And that, in my opinion, would require us humans to back off, let nature continue without our abusing it. ... .... ..... I just want to have fun. There are soooo many kids already, all knowledge sponges; no need to make more of them.
18th April 2015
I can accept my martyrdom
what I cannot seem to understand is the (your) willingness to allow me to be the recipient of all. :
10th April 2015
to someone who wrote "Millenials Love Rand Paul" (I would edit this if it wasn't just a comment)
uhh millenials do not like him. millenials are extremely for the opposite of almost all he stands for. Drug policy changes are perhaps the only exception which could woo millenials. what his version of government would create is only a restructuring of departments. In his mind, there's only a small community of people on Earth, so it can all be controlled by sharing morals with eachother. For most "freedoms" he espouses, such as shutting down surveillance or access to birth control nationwide, he only gives again government a new cloak to hide their surveillance under (they will not be ceasing) and doubles the over-reach of a national Republic, thereby increasing government control, military style no-borders policing out of necessity, and gutting the jobs market -women stay at home, birth more children who'll serve no purpose etc etceterror. It would just be another vicious cycle of shifting laws to an authoritarian nation-state with Paul. Rand's problem, as the forefathers demanded not be brought into government, is that he holds a specific faith. He believes things that he thinks are right as to be just for all. A Democracy is the system we are supposed to have, due to how many humans there are it is a necessity. However corruptible it can become, if it is run how it was designed, the system would still be the best. Trying to break the foundation (rather than fixing the problems), only works if you can start anew entire -We are in a world that cannot begin again, we must instead work on existing problems to find a solution with logic, never faith. :
30th October 2014
logical ode to a lovesong (from a tamed heart in a wild mind)
With all of my being: I am convinced that I would be infinitely better, in a far better place now, had we together reached the present. :
And, although there's no way of knowing, no way I should say "for sure that you would have had an only improved life"
Throughout our time, at the very least, it would have been always my striving goal for making our shared life the best possible, focussed intently on both of our needs being met, then surpassed evermore.
12th October 2014
there was a time I possessed confidence :
I think, at least
even owned it, I remember
(or try to)
20th September 2014
D-link DWL-G122 rev. B (or others with Ralink 2500 chipset) on Windows 8.1 or win7 (rev. B was EOL with XP, officially) :
install official Ralink 2500 driver pack: update.., browse my comp, let me pick,browse, prog files x86, Ralink, RT7x.., driver, netr7064.inf, ok, manufacturer: Ralink: RT2500 USB.., next, ok ok got it? good.
(or just extract the netr7064.inf and choose it)
19th September 2014
Having a ____ with you is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne :
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them.
I look at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
as the horse it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it.